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 ashes survival

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whetzel
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PostSubject: ashes survival   Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:02 am

Ashes survival

Follow some simple rules for a successful Ashes series

This Ashes series will be about as tough as it gets.
There will be mental burnout, shattered limbs and ruined reputations - and I'm not talking about the players either.
How do you survive the nerves, tension and sleep deprivation of the next six weeks?

Ashes affliction: Obsessive reading/listening/viewing of all previews, reports and analysis.
Awkward outcome: Unable to understand simple procedures/instructions in normal everyday life.
Simple solution:
Put the non-essential parts of your life on hold for six weeks. Dirty plates piling up in the sink? Kids need picking up from school? Need a shave? Relax - if you leave it long enough, someone else will do it for you.

Ashes affliction: Beset with worries about England's pace attack.
Awkward outcome: Nightmares involving being ripped limb from limb by a giant Troy Cooley.
Simple solution:
A tough one, this. England's loss of bowling coach Cooley to the Aussies is the equivalent to Eisenhower posting Stalin the complete findings of the Manhattan Project, or Gary Barlow offering East 17 first dibs on Back For Good.
But be realistic - if you were to be confronted by a giant Cooley, he'd be more likely to re-model your action and teach you how to reverse swing the old ball than rip you limb from limb.

Ashes affliction: Serious issues with anything Australian.

Awkward outcome: Unable to enjoy day-time soap operas or be served a drink in a London pub.
Simple solution:
London drinkers - why not spread your wings? There's a whole world out there to explore - Billericay, West Byfleet, Chalfont St Peter.
And there are plenty of other excellent programmes on telly during the day in addition to Aussie soaps. Look - here's one about the property market. And here's another one - also about the property market. And this one - about the property mark... oh...

Ashes affliction: Paralysed with nervous tension before every night's play.
Awkward outcome: Unable to relax in the slightest during evenings out with pals.
Simple solution:
Don't go out. At all. Until 7 January. With the money you save, you'll be able to buy a pair of tickets for the 2009 Lord's Test.
Alternatively, go somewhere so boring that you have no option but to chill - such as the new Eddie Charlton retrospective at the Tate Modern, or Peterborough.

Ashes affliction: Restless dreams dominated by incorrect match scenarios.
Awkward outcome: Waking partners, flat-mates or children with incoherent shouts in middle of night.
Simple solution:
Sleep on the sofa for the duration of the series. Sure, you'll be left with a crick in the neck and a face-full of crumbs from three years of couch-bound eating.
But you'll also have easy access to your television, radio, mobile and PC - perfect for keeping bang up to date with all the action. Marvellous.

Ashes affliction: Spending all work time on the web absorbing details of the night's action.
Awkward outcome: Utterly unable to concentrate on your job.

Simple solution:
Come now. Statistics I've just made up show that the average person spends 67% of their total lifetime at work - 84% if they're an accountant.
Sure, your employers pay you - but they've also imprisoned your soul. It's pay-back time, brothers and sisters!
A European Union directive was once mooted which would have given us a statutory right to enjoy cricket in the workplace, but sadly it fell victim to petty political backbiting.
In a nutshell, the French refused to recognise cricket as a pan-European sport and we did the same with petanque. Got very nasty indeed, I can tell you.

Ashes affliction: Struggling to care about anything which isn't cricket-related.
Awkward outcome: Zero interest in partner's inane conversation and anecdotes.
Simple solution:
Train your voice box to respond independently from your brain.
"That's nice", "Mmm", "Really?", "Wow" - all these phrases and more will convince your loved one that you're listening intently to his or her every word, when in fact you're deep in thought about the worrying danger posed by Shaun Tait's late swing.

Ashes affliction: Sense of doom overshadowing Christmas.
Awkward outcome: Fail to enter festive spirit, forget to buy presents.
Simple solution:
When the accusing comments start to fly around the Christmas tree - "You not even got me a card?", "Where's me bottle of Hai Karate?" - just shake your head sadly and say, "My presence is my presents, yeah? Yeah? Presence as in C-E, yeah?"

Ashes affliction: Waking up early to catch last session of play live.
Awkward outcome: Falling asleep in important work meetings.
Simple solution:
Ask yourself this: How truly "important" are those work meetings? Will any incident in that meeting make you jump to your feet and shout, "HAVE THAT, AUSTRALIA!"
Will you fondly re-run the highlights of the conference in your head at any stage? Will you ever attempt to re-create the best bit of the meeting whilst in the park with mates?
Of course not.
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Clements
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PostSubject: Re: ashes survival   Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:48 am

were did u get all this shit from lol quality

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RAHUL CLEMENTS-THE WAL
CANT WAIT 4 THE START OF U'R CRICKET SEASON
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